Your chest feels as tight as your heart pounds, making you feel lightheaded. Your throat feels like it is closing up. You would have a hard time swallowing over the lump lodged there, except that your mouth is completely dry. What you are experiencing is intense as your partner stares incredulously at you before saying, "Well? Aren't you going to say anything?!". No, you are not going to say a word because in that moment you have three instincts: shut down, run away, or fight as if your life depends on it - with no restraint. All three will cause damage to your relationship, but what else can you do?
The experience of flooding is all too common when faced with conflict. Our mammalian bodies interpret stressful events as an attack and takes steps to keep us alive - the primary directive. In response, blood rushes to the core in order to protect internal organs. Adrenaline, endorphins, and other lovely hormones and neurochemicals are pumped through the body to give you the energy to fight a bear or run from a bear. Metaphorically. Of course, the body doesn't know that a stressful conversation isn't a bear.
Here's the kicker, during this fight-flight-freeze response, the prefrontal cortex - the area where logic and reason lies - isn't considered particularly useful. The survival instinct not only doesn't value the input that our cognitive minds gives, the resources that have gone to fuel the major muscle groups were routed away from the prefrontal cortex, effectively taking reason and logic off-line. And that makes sense. Thinking just might create a delay that would be a risk to life-saving measures.
You can see the problem, can't you? There you are with your beloved, seeking connection and validation. However, you are filled with desperate energy to survive a bear attack while also not able to think rationally. Most tend to respond to these combination of factors with defensiveness, escalating the fight, or shutting down. Does this sound familiar? It is the primary reason that couples have difficulty managing conflict.
The first step to improving communication is to recognize the energy within our own bodies. A wonderful tool for recognizing impending flooding is to wear a pulse oximeter to monitor for a heart rate over 100 beats per minute. While it may feel a little silly at first, it helps to have an external measure of the building tension within the body, particularly when you aren't accustomed to paying attention to your bodily sensations.
After identifying that your body is heading into fight-flight-freeze, it becomes critical that partners take a time out from the discussion. During the break, try not to keep replaying the discussion or thinking of new arguments. Instead, do something relaxing and fun for about 20-30 minutes to help calm your stress levels and get back to feeling balanced. This way, when you come back to talk, you'll be in a better headspace and less likely to make things worse.
Remember, taking a time-out during tense moments isn't a sign of weakness or an avoidance tactic. While it's important not to neglect the conversation, taking a break is a smart move to make sure your discussions stay positive. By soothing your physiological responses, you can respond with more empathy and understanding, creating feelings of respect and support.
And when you blow it - as we all do - don't fret; that's where making repairs come in.
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